I have been thinking a lot about myself lately.
I think being on STINT, your faults and mistakes are highlighted.
You kinda become a chariacture of yourself.
Strengths really good. Weaknesses really bad. Too bad I don’t really have any strengths…
Shortcomings are made much of, and I notice my own a lot more too.
There’s a lot about myself I don’t really like.
There’s a lot I wish wasn’t true of myself.
I find I read and like books which basically say things I for the most part I already do and follow. And/or I don’t want to change b/c I want to think I am already perfect. I don’t want people to think I had to adjust b/c of something I read, I want to have already been doing it.
Yeah, I’m pretty prideful.
I guess I don’t want to be seen as weak. Or I don’t want to feel inadequate. I want to be perfect- or at least seen that way.
I want to be accepted. I want people to notice the things I do well, but I don’t want to hear the same thing from every person, I want to be surprised by what people see in me… and appreciate the things i’m not quite there at as well.
I love this Alanis song:
You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And You love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I am ashamed
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate
You’re still here
I guess I want to be accepted like that.
I don’t like that i am not perfect, and that i let people down. I realize I’m not perfect, and never will be perfect at everything. But maybe if I felt accepted even with my faults or indeed loved b/c of them, and knew I was forgiven for all those times I mess up- I could move on.
I guess this is the Gospel aint it? Yeah, I am a wicked sinner. There is nothing so great that makes me valuable to God.
i don’t like knowing how bad & sinful and imperfect i am. but i am.
Yet, He loves me nonetheless. He has completely forgiven me of all the stupid things I do. The things I do by accident b/c I stick my foot in my mouth, and the things I do even though I should have known better.
I haven’t done anything to earn His forgiveness, and I don’t have to do anything to keep His love.
God has created me the way I am. He has accepted me. I guess I need to learn to accept myself too. Strive still more, but not get down on myself either.
I guess I would like to experience the Gospel- not just truths, but really know it and embrace it. I hope this year I can show the Gospel to people, not just share the words, and not just to non-Christians.
I hope I will stand in the Gospel day by day.
And I hope we will experience Christ & experience the Gospel when we are with each other.