My self

I have been thinking a lot about myself lately.

I think being on STINT, your faults and mistakes are highlighted.

You kinda become a chariacture of yourself.

Strengths really good. Weaknesses really bad. Too bad I don’t really have any strengths…

Shortcomings are made much of, and I notice my own a lot more too.

There’s a lot about myself I don’t really like.

There’s a lot I wish wasn’t true of myself.

 

I find I read and like books which basically say things I for the most part I already do and follow. And/or I don’t want to change b/c I want to think I am already perfect. I don’t want people to think I had to adjust b/c of something I read, I want to have already been doing it.

 

Yeah, I’m pretty prideful.

 

I guess I don’t want to be seen as weak. Or I don’t want to feel inadequate. I want to be perfect- or at least seen that way.

I want to be accepted. I want people to notice the things I do well, but I don’t want to hear the same thing from every person, I want to be surprised by what people see in me… and appreciate the things i’m not quite there at as well.

 

I love this Alanis song:

 

You see everything

You see every part

You see all my light

And You love my dark

You dig everything

Of which I am ashamed

There’s not anything to which you can’t relate

You’re still here

 

I guess I want to be accepted like that.

I don’t like that i am not perfect, and that i let people down. I realize I’m not perfect, and never will be perfect at everything. But maybe if I felt accepted even with my faults or indeed loved b/c of them, and knew I was forgiven for all those times I mess up- I could move on.

 

I guess this is the Gospel aint it? Yeah, I am a wicked sinner. There is nothing so great that makes me valuable to God.
i don’t like knowing how bad & sinful and imperfect i am. but i am.

Yet, He loves me nonetheless. He has completely forgiven me of all the stupid things I do. The things I do by accident b/c I stick my foot in my mouth, and the things I do even though I should have known better.

I haven’t done anything to earn His forgiveness, and I don’t have to do anything to keep His love.

 

God has created me the way I am. He has accepted me. I guess I need to learn to accept myself too. Strive still more, but not get down on myself either.

 

I guess I would like to experience the Gospel- not just truths, but really know it and embrace it. I hope this year I can show the Gospel to people, not just share the words, and not just to non-Christians.

 

I hope I will stand in the Gospel day by day.

And I hope we will experience Christ & experience the Gospel when we are with each other.

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2 thoughts on “My self

  1. Man, STINT must be bringing out the worst if you’re relying on the wisdom of a philosopher the likes of Alanis. Next thing you know you’ll be writing Xanga posts about how men are evil. Heh heh. I appreciate your heart Mookie.

  2. i hear ya, friend.
    missed you in indy last week.  ‘the game’ was brought up… but of course, we didn’t play.  actually… andy and i didn’t really know what the game was.  all i can remember was the westin escalator and spinning.  and i don’t like spinning.  for obvious reasons. 
    you gonna get to watch the playoffs? 

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