A’ight, so i hate it here. i don’t like my job. i don’t like working with people.
i’m hungry. i’m tired. i haven’t done anything all day, and i’ve been up for 6 hours. And it’s not like i’ve done fun stuff either- i’ve done nothing but wait…
i feel… undermined? maybe
i want to go home
i want this place to look & feel like home. But, i can tell You already, i can’t wait to leave.
God, why do You do this to me?
i want to have a life where things go right.
That is what i wrote the first day when i got back to this city. i was miserable. i had committed to two years, so even though the first year was extremely hard and unrewarding, i followed the Lord and came back. i needed to give it two years. The plan was 5. See a movement raised up, and then go with students from here to the Middle East (Back towards Jerusalem if you will), maybe even Turkey.
The first week back was a rough one. Over the summer i gave my self freedom to consider coming back after two years, after all, i was not ICS.
As the year went on, God began to work on the campus, in our team and on me. i need a lot more work.
About a month ago, i – for all practical purposes- decided to come back HERE. A few days ago, i actually sent the email in to HR.
In November, God began to reveal to me how much my leaning toward going back to America was based on fear. Fear of a new team. Fear of seeing no fruit and feeling inadequate. Fear of being single the rest of my life. Fear of lonliness. Fear of misery. i really believe i would be more effective in the states, effectiveness needs to be considered, but is that why i should go back? i know- I KNOW- every year there will be new friends, new teammates, and the longer i am away from America, the less people will keep up with me and friendships, those good friendships will dwindle like so many before. i always wanted a tight group of friends and a best friend. i know that the next team could be really hard to connect with- my teammates are staying the same age, but i’m getting older- it will be harder to connect, and who knows if i will.
God used Acts 18 a lot in my life- when Paul goes to Corinth. Paul had a rough time in Corinth, he wanted to leave- but the Lord had him there for two years- and the only promises was HE would be with him. And the command- Don’t fear.
The team has been great- despite some blow-ups recently. We have a lot of fun, and work well together, i feel respected and cared for for the most part. The ministry has been great. We have a Shepherd team, student-led meetings, more men than women involved, a few minorities and people coming to Christ. And my language is still poor, but i can communicate a little bit.
i have computer problems and health issues, but i guess that goes with the territory.
Since deciding, God has worked. Ben decided to come back, others are considering coming/returning. Ministry exploded. All those good things pretty much happened after i began to make plans to come back.
The biggest thing has been my developing friendships with the Asian students. These guys are actually like friends. i can hang out with them, talk to them about girls, watch movies, and talk about God. Last year, i said we were on the brink of something big, this year we have seen significant breaktrhu.
i am hoping to go to CM 2007 this summer. It may not happen, i may need to go to X-track, though i am still pushing for a deferral to 2008. We’re hoping some students from here will get to Korea. All logic says Korea would be a far better option. If it were up to me, that’s where i’ll be. But i trust God is in control of that as well.
i know some folks wanted me to come back to the states – i felt loved, but we can still talk and hopefully see each other some time some place…
Pray for me and i’ll pray for, pray that we can keep the common ground….