“Is it worth it?”
This was the question asked me last night.
5 weeks down, 5 days to go. And honestly i’ve wondered if i could make it. i must wrote “Can i make it?” down in my journal 15 times yesterday.
i really don’t want to be a person who complains, i fear that i have been. i want to be joyful, but i want to be real, and that balance can be difficult. Because i’m hungry and my stomach hurts! Plus there is little energy in my body.
But when the question was posed, i hesitated. Not because i didn’t know the answer. The answer is obvious. Really this could post could be about many different things. Like, why do people ask you obvious questions, or what do you do with a question where you know the truth, but you don’t feel it.
YES, it’s worth it. My answer was – well, of course. It’s always worth walking with God and being obedient to his call on your life. My thought also was- this isn’t the hardest thing i’ve had to do. YES, it is the MOST PHYSICAL Pain i’ve experienced- seriously. But wasn’t it more difficult to leave the country 8 years ago, break up with my girlfriend, leave behind my friends when email was limited and there were no VOIP services and almost non western food in the entire country? i mean, i may be down 130 lbs now, but i was like 120 during that year…
Of course it is worth it. Jesus is worth it.
i was convicted though last night during our night of prayer and when we sang this song, i belted it out and said in my heart YES, this is TRUE. i don’t know how much i believe it, but it is true!
All i once held dear built my life up
all this world reveres and wars to own
All i once thought gain
i have counted loss
spent and worthless now
compared to this
Knowing You Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing!
You’re my all, You’re my best
You’re my joy, my righteousness
and i love You LORD!
Day 11-20 (these of course are just a portion of what God has been teaching me)
Day 11: Lord, You are reliable. i can count on you. You have my back. i don’t need to worry or fret. You are there for me. You are here for me… (Joshua 1)
Day 12: i guess it teaches me how about You – How You pursue me, how You love me, How you give to me, How You spend on me, How You speak to me, How You care about me – and i don’t care…i take You for granted and don’t reciprocate to You. i neglect You & ignore You & don’t prioritize You. i wish i loved You more & gave You more attention…
Day 13: i miss out. And the only reason to stop is selfish. It’s not physical, it’s not spiritual.It’s simply because i want to stop & feel good
Day 14: i’m listening to the song… i’m desperate for You… i’m lost without YOU… and i think of John 15:5
Apart for You, i can do nothing.
And this fast is teaching me that. i can try. i can work – but i feel weak and accomplish little. If anything good is going to come – it’s gonna be You!
Day 15: i need Your
grace. Holy Spirit, be evident in my life, in my heart. Lord, take care of me.
Give me joy in the Lord…
Day 16: Talking with
the guys they talked about sin & temptation. – i think that is the lesson
for today. Food is tempting, but i need to resist. It would be easy to give in
and no one would think less of me. They would understand, it would be
acceptable. In fact, some people think it would be good.
But, i can’t listen to other people – i must listen to You.
And i can’t go by others’ standards, i must accept Yours.
See, sin doesn’t always look bad. And sometimes there is nothing wrong in the
activity in itself – but You are the authority…
Day 17: i mean when we asked how we could pray for them –
they mentioned someone else!
i wish i had that others-oriented attitude!
Day 18: i’m depressed. And i can’t watch an emo movie like
Garden state to drown in my sorrows. And i can’t eat chocolate to feel better.
I can’t even exercise to vent frustration – all i can do is turn to You &
pray i guess.
Day 19: The thing is this: i don’t have enough will-power to
be patient or to love. I can’t do it. I can’t. i simply can’t. i need You!
If i’m gonna get thru this w/o complaining or bitterness – it’ll take You.
An if i’m going to be like Christ at all, or love people or be holy
– Yeah, i need You for that too. Lord, i need You!
Day 20: See, i don’t just want to not eat. I want to pray.
And i want to delight in You & enjoy You & hunger for You. Make this
fast even more meaningful
My will-power will not keep me from sin. I need You
My will-power will not sustain me – i need You.
My will-power will not make a relationship work – i need You
My will-power will not build a movement – we need You.