the one where I try to live out Philippians 2- an excerpt from my journal- a prayer, a cry for help

It is easy to read a passage of Scripture and even memorize it, than it is to live it out. It is easy to see that it is good and right, than it is to apply it and make the necessary sacrifices. At times, I may be able to do it- but it is commanded because the right thing, the good thing – is often hard to do. We may judge others and condemn others, but we must be careful because we ourselves are prone to fall, prone to fail, prone to sin.

Philippians 2 are nice verses, one I want my kids to know and do. They speak of the beauty of Christianity – but we can’t do it. We fail so often. It makes sense- look at the example of Christ. Consider what Christ has done for you. Jesus gave His life for you and forgave you and was patient with you – so be patient with others and serve others- that is a life worthy of Christ. 

Look. Following Jesus is where true joy & happiness lie- so follow Him and be like Him.

He emptied Himself and served others. He was obediient to the point of death – even death on the cross- you are not going that far.

Yet, even for Christ this was painful. Sure there was joy in obeying His father, in knowing there was greater purpose, in His love for others. But you can also see His frustration, hear His annoyance with His words and see His prayers He makes. For Him to love is easy because it is in His nature but it is hard as well because and love and sacrifice and serving by nature involve pain.

I want to love my wife and kids and even other people well. And I also need to take care of myself. 

Philippians never suggests neglecting yourself. But it also challenges self-centeredness. Self-care often becomes self-centeredness. Boundaries can become an excuse to be selfish.

Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also the interests of others.

I naturally will think of my own interests- but i need to be intentional about considering the needs of others.

And so, before this he says

Do nothing from selfish ambition but in humility consider others more significant than yourselves.

I need to be humble, not think myself king but a servant
Which was the mind of Christ. 
Have this mind- which is Christ’s – taking the form of a servant.
There is an attitude i need to adopt. I need consider my attitude.

Am I willing to grow? Am i willing to submit my desires? Am i willing to sacrifice?
I want to, but I am weak.

I cannot do this on my own strength – i am not Christ!
But I want to experience the joy of the Lord, I want to live a life worthy of the Gospel. I want to honor God. So, help me God!

Your commands are too hard for me.
Your example is a weight i cannnot hold.
Work with me, walk aside me and help me, yoke me with You, that i may walk the path You have set up for me.
Be patient with me and gracious, but help me also, that i may reflect You and honor You an serve others and help them.
Let them experience joy and peace- and me too.
I want to have good days.
I want to have rest and ease and peace and comfort
But serving others all day long leaves me tired.
Trusting You to provide – You prove faithful, but it can be agonizing and trying
Why does our house not sell?
Why do my feet always hurt?
Why does my wife complain against me?
I consider the needs of others, will not anyone consider my needs?

Alas Lord, the command is not given so other do this for me- perhaps this is the ideal- if i consider others better than me and they consider me better than them then we help each other- but it doesn’t always work that way. 

I can consider the needs of others, because You consider my needs.
You take care of me
You provide for me
You help me
You encourage me
You comfort me
You save me.
You love me.

I am terrible at loving others- perhaps i need to experience and know Your love more.

I need to remind myself of your love
I need to meditate on your love

But i also need You to show me Your love, give me Your love, remind me of your love- because i am weak. Help me God.

The one where we decide to adopt

Soo & i have decided to adopt.

If you know us, you know we have not only been in the process for several months, but have long desired to adopt. The question we had was “when”.

The question we get is “Why?”

We already have 2 kids, and we are young enough to have more. And we have 2 young kids, who we cannot keep up with anyway. Are we just gluttons for punishment? Or are we just foolish?
Many may think we are crazy… including myself.

Many factors go into our decision to adopt, but primarily we want to adopt to honor God, bless others, and believe God is leading us this direction. We are still in process, and if God has different plans for us He will redirect.

Adoption is not about us. In fact, it is not even about the child. It’s about God.

But, that’s the spoiler… let me try to share a bit more…

Back in the summer there had been much in the news about planned parenthood and abortion. Such stories make me sad. I feel sad for the unborn child and for the expectant mother. I can’t imagine the turmoil a person must have when they even consider an abortion. Life is tough. I don’t want to make life on others tougher. I want to offer grace, love, and help.

As I consider these things, I don’t want to just to say things, I want to do something.

Before Soo & I got married, one thing that drew us to one another was a mutual interest in adoption. We see it as a way to help & bless others. We see people in need. We see children who don’t have a home, who could feel neglected and unloved. We want children to know they are loved.

All of us are loved by God. He does not desire any should perish. And the bible speaks often for His compassion on orphans.

More so, when I think of adoption, I think of an opportunity to imitate God and glorify God. And thus even to know and experience God more. As we act like God, we understand Him. As we imitate God, we see how He treats us. We get greater understanding.

And so more than adopting to make me feel like I am doing something, or for the sake of the child, I consider adoption as a way to honor & know God – I do it not for myself or for another, I do it for God. I don’t do it simply to make a difference, but to follow Christ.

Now as I consider that step of faith, I consider the kids I have already – and how difficult it is to parent them. They make me frustrated. I get annoyed, irriated, lose my patience, and long for free time.
And I think
“Do I want more kids?”
More, I wonder
“Am I cut out for more kids?”

But if I were only to follow God when I felt I could handle it, I wouldn’t go very far. And if I waited until I was qualified, I would be waiting forever.

And so adoption is a step of faith.

Not something I do for me to make my life fulfilling. Not something i do because i am so great at it. Not offering myself as an expert or better than others, but to stretch my faith.
And that is a good thing.

Being a parent is a big responsibility and an honorable one. God gives us a great privilege to shepherd children.
Some look at this world and see only trouble. We should not bring kids into this world. But I look and see the problems in this world and see possibility and responsibility. Someone needs to help the young in this country understand the Gospel and follow God. They need to be shepherded. And I want to build up men and women into followers of Christ.

And what an opportunity adoption allows.

So we don’t do it for ourselves. We do it not to give us a sense of self worth or identity. Nor to release ourselves from guilt or shame. We do it not to make a contribution or because we think we are qualified. We don’t do it so the child or others will appreciate us.
Adoption will require hard work, sacrifice, disappointment…
But we do it for ourselves in this:
It will grow our faith! – Requiring us to rely on God and step out of comfort zones.
 It will make us more like God – as we imitate Him, and as we know Him. As we act out love, act out the Gospel.
It will draw us closer to God, as we experience Him and know Him.
And we believe, there will be much joy. Sure, i give the impression that being a parent has ruined everything, but i wouldn’t trade my kids for the world!
And i look forward to loving my child. Loving and enjoying my child.

So… Soo & I are on a journey. We began looking into adoption, researched agencies, trying to understand the procedures and process, and prepare ourselves for another child and how to prepare our kids for another child.
We have begun the process to do foster care with the hopes of adopting (which is a whole other story).
Who knows, maybe we’ll be the Indian and Korean parents with a white child.

The longer we are on this journey, the more i see God’s heart. Repeatedly He calls His people to care for the widow, the refugee, the fatherless, the orphan.
The Gospel is a story of God rescuing us, restoring us from a broken relationship, adopting us as His own children, loving us deeply. Being our Father.

We are looking into adoption because we believe God is directing us that way now. Perhaps we’ll never adopt, who knows. But we want to take a step of faith – so we may bless, shepherd & love a child. Build up God’s kingdom and instill Biblical values; And to honor God, glorify God, follow God and grow in faith.

This is why we are going to adopt… and maybe you would consider it too! There are many out there who need parents, who need godly examples.
Consider reading “Generous Justice” by Tim Keller. Or perhaps watch this talk by Beth Guckenberger, which strongly encouraged us this week.

I am sure there are things we are missing, stuff we don’t know, ways we need to grow. We appreciate your prayers and feedback along the way.

My prayer for 2016 (a reflection on I Peter 1)

Though you do not see Him, you love Him.
Though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and rejoice
with joy inexpressible and filled with glory
obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your soul

May this be the year I see the Lord every day:  see His hand upon me in all that happens, see His goodness in all His actions towards me, experience His love & kindness, dwell on His grace & goodness, see the beauty of His glory, be wowed by Him, stand in awe of Him, sit in silence before Him, bow down in reverence, submit in fear & trust, and grow grow grow in love and desire and delight.

Lord, be my joy, be my pleasure, be my comfort, be my delight, be my treasure, be my love!

Lord, may I adore You, treasure You, seek You – seek Your presence, seek Your reward, seek Your glory, seek You!

God, I want to submit to You and trust You in everything!

You are glorious.
You are wonderful.
You are beautiful.
You love me!

Your love is great
Your love is deep
Your love is wide
Your love is long
Your love is high.

There is nothing greater.
Nothing greater than You.
Nothing more wonderful
Nothing more beautiful
Nothing greater

God, You are good.
Worthy of all affection and praise and adoration.
You are worthy of my complete, utter trust.
You are worthy of my whole life, of all of who I am.

You love me deeply.
You love me wholly.
You love me fully.
And You love me unconditionally, unfailing, unending.

Someday soon I will see Your face, I will be in Your physical presence
But in the meantime, may I rejoice, rejoice exceedingly in who You are.
May I treasure You and be in wonder of You.
May I sing Your praises
And Rejoice in YOU!

May I love You
… and not the things of this world
Not the worthless idols
Not the passing pleasures of sin
Not anything this world offers and says is all I need

• Wealth
• Pleasure
• Comfort
• Food
• Ease
• Comfortable relationships
• Financial security
• Safety

May I love You more than myself
And serve others, bless others
Rejoice in trials
Give thanks always
Be selfless, and not selfish

All things work toward good- and what is that good?

• Knowing You more, knowing You deeply
• A stronger faith
• Growth
• Sanctification, becoming more like Christ
• The ability to bless and serve and love others

Oh, may this be my attitude – all sacrifice, all effort, all difficulty, all trial- all is worth it to know Christ, to be with Christ, to enjoy Christ.

May my love for Him be ultimate and supreme in my heart.

Not that I put pressure on myself to love, but may I love in response as I enjoy His love, know His love and experience His love.

What is life all about?

Is it to accomplish all I want, and get things done?

Is it to please myself and feel good?

Is it be comfortable and to have an easy life?

Is it to be good husband, a good father, a good person?

Or is it about You? About Your glory? About blessing others so they may see You?

God, I want to see You. I want others to see You.
May I experience Your presence and glory and love YOU always.

 

God, may this be a year where I know Your love
That I know I am loved.
Where I enjoy You, and seek to enjoy You above all things.
You are my ultimate.

May I not care about myself, lose my self, b/c I am enthralled with You, wrapped up in You… so that I can bless others and glorify You and enjoy You… forever

Amen

Help me to see You
See Your hand
Experience Your presence
Enjoy Your glory
Know You intimately
And point others to Jesus as well.

Your Gospel is good, it is glorious.
You have reconciled me to Yourself
You have made a way for me to know You
You have poured out Your love.
You have given me all I need for life & godliness
You have forgiven me completely
Given me eternal life
And given Your Holy Spirit, Your holy Word, and Your body to help me grow and know You more
You are glorious and wonderful and beautiful – be glorified in & thru me.
Amen.

May I enjoy You always and love You fully. Amen

My little Man

A week ago Josiah turned 2!

Crazy he is that old, even crazier to think he has only been in my life 2 years! i can’t imagine life without my kids now (though sometimes i try).

i am so thankful for Josiah – he brings so much joy to my life. He wakes up and calls for Daddy – and i love it! There isn’t much that brings me as much joy as when he runs full speed towards me.

He does a number of silly & interesting things – like liking broccoli stems or shutting the laptop because he’d rather us all play. He calls Halle “Ya-ya” for some reason and he thinks his name is “Siah” b/c that is what Halle has called him.

But he is named Josiah – after the King found in II Kings 22.

“Josiah did what was right in the eyes of the LORD & walked in all the way of David… and he did not turn aside to the right or to the left.”

Later it talks of him having a tender heart and that he turned to the lord and treasured God’s Word and made reforms and pursued holiness.

i pray for Josiah every night, and usually it involves me asking God to save him, and make him a man of the word, a man of faith & courage and a man of action with a tender heart – like Josiah the king.

but as i pray i also must pray a prayer of surrender. As much as i delight in Josiah and love him, and enjoy him and could cuddle with him – he is not mine to hold onto – i must surrender him to the Lord.

i have found it much harder to surrender my kids to the Lord than anything else. Being single the rest of my life before i got married was hard- but it was unknown, unexperienced- but my kids? My life – no problem, money? ok. But my kids?

Yet, it is easy too. For i know who i am entrusting. God is good. He is trustworthy. He is kind. He has perfect plans. i may not always understand- but i know He is good. And it is no use fighting against Him.

Submitting my son, gives me greater understanding of God giving us His own Son for us. i mean, i still don’t get it. But it gives me a glimpse into the sacrifice, the love, the authority & sovereignty of God- He had to have known His plan would work!

i thank God for my Josiah. And i thank God for His Son Jesus – and the life & joy & love He has given me!